three. [3.29.10]

[summer 2009]
you are not alone. we hear this too often and it becomes cliched. a background noise to the chaos in our heads. but it is true. 
it is easy to believe that we are alone, to carry our pain like a cancer inside of us. it is easy to box up our feelings, to carve them out upon ourselves. life is hard. love is never easy. it is a challenge. some days, it is hard to wake up in the morning. it is hard to give up those things. but i am trying. to give them up for something better. to acknowledge pain without letting it own me.
i don’t know where you are tonight. i don’t know your story. i don’t know the things that move you or the things that break you. but i do know that you are loved. and that you are not alone. that the smallest
things can whisper to you. that it is possible to find truths in the impossible. i know that at times it is hard to move on. some nights it is easy to give into lies and take out our pain on ourselves. 
on those nights, now, i seek to find a reason to live. and i always find it. in the chords of a good song or in an honest lyric. in the writings of someone who knows. in a hug or a glance. in laughter or a movie that makes you cry. and people i’ve never even met are helping me through, with their constant prayers and ‘you’re gonna be okays’. and i smile, because i’m going to make it. and though the world is big and messed up sometimes, it can be beautiful too.

[summer 2009]
some nights, it’s hard. some nights, it’s easy to remember all of the wrong things and the mistakes and the things that have blown up in my face.
and i find myself staring at the ceiling wondering what happened.
wondering why i’m here. questioning everything and struggling with the same old things over and over again. the way i’ve done for years.
but some nights, it’s easy. when i hear a good song, when i laugh with a friend. when someone calls just to say hello. when i have a good conversation, when work isn’t so bad. 
somedays, i find the clarity i’m looking for, and i find beauty in the things that i’m supposed to find beauty in. some days, it’s easier to just be.
these are the days when i fight through everything i’ve lost and the wreckage of who i was. these are the days when i reassemble, when i batter down the doors i’d closed in my heart. these are the days when i acknowledge that i’m making a horrible mess. 
it is a good thing to acknowledge.
so this is me, standing at the door, a horrible wreck. and i’m falling apart, but it is a good thing. all of these broken pieces hold so much potential, all of this wreckage feels so great. i am a broken person, but somehow i’ve found that the cracked glass of my life holds so much more love then it did when it was whole. 
these are the nights when i only want to live so that i can give. so that each piece overflows seamlessly into the life of someone else. these are the nights when i can’t see the future, and i’m entirely okay with that. these are the days when i feel surrounded and held and filled with love. 
this is me, letting go. releasing the things that once controlled me. acknowledging that my mistakes do not own me. that i am not my past. 
and yeah, i’m realizing that each day might not be this easy, but i’m finding that somehow those hard days slip by. 
this is me, feeling. hurting and aching and missing, but loving. 
this is me, held by Someone better than myself. 
this is me. and i’m all right. 

[march 2010]
i learn the same things, over and over again.
everything in my life is changing. 
i am re-evaluating everything and acknowledging the fact that i have no idea what’s coming next.
and somehow, it is the most beautiful feeling in the world.
i’m scared. but the fear isn’t crippling. 
i’m reading a book by donald miller right now and he talks alot about redemption. and i guess that’s the promise i hold on to. that “God is still in the business of redemption”, that my mistakes and (constant) failings don’t change who He is or His capacity and willingness to forgive. that knowing God is less about a list of steps to take and more about an overwhelming, never ending love for Him, through Him, because of Him.
i feel so close, on the brink of something so much deeper than anything I’ve experienced before. it is amazing and terrifying. but God is good, regardless of where He takes me. 
who I am is not who I have been. there is so much promise and possibility in that.
there is so much hope.