i am. [9.9.09]

so, the morning isn’t quite what you said it was. 
and i’m not quite what you think i am. 
a tangled mess that doesn’t know what it does
and i swear this wasn’t meant to be a scam
but don’t you know, i’m not quite sure
exactly what i look like anymore. 



“it’s not that i enjoy being lost,” she said. “i just don’t know how to be found.”



i remember that i found you sitting in the middle of a big pile of books, and you were crying. i asked you what was wrong, and you told me. “there are just so many words, sir. and i don’t know which ones to believe.”



some days, with all of the coming and going, it all became too much to take. i’d feel the edge of panic setting in, harsh and cold. i’d shut my eyes and feel the dizziness coming. but then, with my eyes shut, seeing nothing, i’d hear something. and it’s not so much a voice, more like a whisper. and on days like that i would just on the floor and i just let things go. but lately that whisper is all but drowned out, and i don’t even remember how to loosen my grip. and i wonder what it is. am i holding too many things, or are too many things holding me?



i am nothing more than
expectations.
the fruit of so many compilations of thought
and desire and whim.
i am nothing more than 
these.
i do not know who i am.



“this is not me.” i stared into the mirror and told myself again. “who is this? i do not recognize her.”



she stared at me with a crazed look, and i could see the fear in her eyes. raw, unfiltered, emotional. it was the desperate fear of someone who has reached their last stand. she opened her mouth to speak, and i expected a wolf’s snarl to escape from between her cracked lips. but instead, the softest sigh crossed the distance between us. her voice was a whisper, scarcely audible. 
“i am such an awful mess.
learn. re-learn. 
sufjan put it well: “and He takes, and He takes, and He takes.”
and i’m right at the brink. and i’m falling apart.
and i look for identity, but i don’t even know what to look for.
or what bridges to build.
i don’t know what to burn and what to hold on to.”
i wanted to find the right words to say to her. i wanted to smooth the tangled hair away from her head, and tell her it would be all right. but i didn’t want to lie. so i just watched her turn away, saw the shakiness in her step. all i wanted to do was to take all of that load. but i didn’t know how. and she wouldn’t let me, anyway. 



in my dream, i 
f
e
l
l. 
and i hit the bottom, and i waited for the pain.
but there was 
none. there was 
nothing. 



[i don’t know who i am.]