wear my sorrows like shoes upon my feet, they precede me wherever i go. [5.26.09]

i do
believe.
need.
desire.
to think.
to know.
that someday
i will
become. 
the scattered shards
whole?
i want to believe it.




— don’t forget your sorrows 
when you leave the house today. 
— i won’t forget.
they are the very clothes i wear,
the very face i share. 
they are sewn into my chest. 




can i become?
or is all 
m o n o t o n y 
a sick 
m o n o l o g u e 
repeated
repeated
repeated
cease.
begin. 




you are a carousel, darling.
a never ending carousel.
you’re dizzy and you hate it
but you can’t get off the ride. 




today i stared into
the mirror and saw
a strange scene.
an actor on a stage
that played every role
the opposite of how
she felt.
each moment she 
felt sad she 
played happy.
when curtain closed
she sat on the stage
and ate bowls of
misery. 
i wondered why she
ate them but then realized
it was her fate.
to store up misery
in her silver eating bowl.
her tears lit up the stage
and still she ate.
i wondered why until
i remembered
it was the way she was.
to forever be hidden
behind the curtain
to shine only
with the spotlights on
to please the audience
by storing up her pain.
to eat it later 
to drink her
misery. 
she is the greatest actor,
i thought.
i stepped 
away 
from the mirror.
and saw myself inside.




— maybe to become, i must forget.
— no, no. you forget, dear, that it takes remembering to become anything at all. 




— what else? what else does it take to become?
— oh, but you must remember. it takes loving to become, most of all.