a day of pale skies and a real kiss.

the words i want to say to you
are words that i won’t ever say
the syllables formed on my tongue choke and burn out
before they ever reach the surface
though my heart pumps them forth it is a wasted effort
because my fear is my best guardian and i will always hide behind it
building wall after wall and it hurts to hide behind this fortress
my hands clasp each other so tightly
afraid to clutch anything else
i sometimes think of the sound of your breathing but these
memories in my ears are only ghosts that haunt me
every night but i will make it through
and with or without you i will stand,
or so i tell myself
and all that i wish for is all i’ll never have because it isn’t
nearly that simple,
though these lines appear so straight,
cut in my mind, the real world is full of questions
without any easy answers
and i want to say these things to you and let you know
but i am breathless,
the mystery of flight and love and life and dying are all wrapped
up in these moments that i can never voice
and words are not enough and these syllables are meaningless
another collection of pen on paper to remind myself of everything
i’ve lost and it is you
that i remember when the daylight cracks the surface of the night,
when morning birds take flight across a crimson sky
scattered, windswept in this dawning of a day i can’t quite face
but like a puppet on thin strings i pull myself together,
a master of pretending and i would rather lie and tell you that
i don’t even have a heart than voice to you the simple truth —
my heart beats faster when you walk into the room
and without you it falls silent
and all i’ve ever known and ever wished to know is this.
but i remind myself today and every day
that all the words i want to say to you
are all the words i’ll never say.