it’s one of those nights where

even the sound of silence is enough

to crack my eardrums

the resounding crackle of your goodbye

still echoes in these halls and some days i find myself wondering

just where i am or maybe who i am

so i slap another nametag on this old sweater

the one i still wear

the one that belonged to you

and i curl my arms closer around my chest

in this the most hallowed of seasons

and try not to breathe in the dust of regret

and try not to breathe at all

because all i am is just a figment of everyone i’ve ever loved

and though i breathe in deeply

the very air seems choked with loss

because loving is losing is breaking

is gone.

my cries seem to fall on deaf ears

because maybe we’re all cracked

and maybe we all did the breaking for each other

because i don’t have the time to think

before i speak and i don’t once stop before i wield this pen

because i am a soldier of me

and my selfish heart is all i’ll ever fight for

and though i love you, i can’t ever tell you

because loving is losing is breaking

is gone.

so i sit in my living room and wait

for the automatic drip of the coffee pot to

fill me up while my brain fills with rhymes that my tongue

can’t repeat because i’m choking on everything

i’ve never said and my words like dust

fill my lungs and you are

inescapable, the breath before

every syllable i’ve ever uttered and the sunshine

before every storm

the clouds turning grey against the mottled sky

and all i want to tell you is

I’m here.

but i’m afraid

and my fear has made me silent

so i fill my books with words

all the things i always wanted to say to you

but never had the chance

and never had the courage to get out of this chair

and never had the strength to walk down the street

and open my mouth

and speak.