unconditional.

it’s Sunday. a hot, sunny Sunday with just enough wind to remind me that this is Colorado and the weather will probably change any second. i got home from work about five minutes ago, thinking the whole way home. work was good - skinny vanilla lattes, Miss Deb’s genuine concern, Liz’s cheerful smile and the usual Starbucks quirkiness going on all around me. i’m tired and there’s that telltale buzzing feeling behind my eyes that reminds me that i need a nap before i really crash. there’s coffee all over my arms and i smell like classic syrup and “today is a day, just like any other.” mumford & sons (my thinking music) and frizzy hair and too much on my mind…

i yelled at God last night. and when i say yelled at God, i mean i honestly screamed my lungs out at him more than once. there’s this constant exhaustion in my heart and in my mind that i can’t escape from, and yesterday it all poured out. every ounce of it. i don’t remember the last time that i cried until i couldn’t breathe. but i did last night. after i had finished pouring out my giant list of grievances at Jesus’ feet, He reminded me that He loves me. which just made me angry. because when i’m exhausted and upset at God, the last thing I want is for Him to tell me that He loves me. my stupid human mind generally tries to deny it, anyway. ha. i fell asleep last night with all of my vices and all of my pain wrapped around me. i fall into the habit of holding grudges against God so easily. i’m sure He thinks i’m ridiculous sometimes, but He loves me anyway.

i was driving home from work today and thinking a lot about love and hardship and time and patience and sacrifice (big concepts for me to even begin to digest after work on a Sunday) and David Crowder happened to start playing on my ipod.
“when clouds brought rain
and disaster came
oh my soul, oh my soul…
You never let go, You never let go.”
i love it and hate it when i have these moments of realization and end up feeling like a total idiot. it was like God hugged me and reminded me “I love You, silly.” and I suddenly realized how silly my grudges are, how ridiculous it is to hold on to these vices… all of these things that strangle my joy. i’m loved.

i told God 1,000 times last night that i couldn’t do this anymore. that i can’t get through another day like this. i was talking with Morgan today about unconditional love and what that should look like. and on the way home i realized just how hypocritical that was. real love, unconditional love… it’s unconditional. which means no matter how hard things get, no matter how raw and messy and uncomfortable life gets… i’m in this to stay. so it’s not a matter of whether or not i can do it. because not being able to do it isn’t an option. (“if there’s no other way, then i’m done asking why.”) maybe the point is to stop asking God to change this situation and maybe just ask Him for the grace to get through it. maybe the point is to stop trying. to stop strangling myself with my own doubts. (“while i don’t always know what’s going on, You always do.”) it’s like God’s reminding me that He has this taken care of. that He knows. He knows what it’s like to suffer, what it’s like to miss people. He knows what it’s like to suffer rejection and to feel pain. and it’s okay. it’s okay to feel. it’s okay to acknowledge pain. and it’s okay, it’s best, to ask Him for help. because I can’t do this alone.  

“heaven knows,
heaven knows
I’ve tried to find a cure for pain.
oh my Lord, to suffer like You do.
it would be a lie to run away.”