so much more. [7/5/10]

“i don’t know how to do this anymore. i don’t know how to put words on paper, how to frame consonants and vowels together into sentences that make any sense at all. i don’t know how to explain everything, or anything really. i don’t know anything about anything. i especially don’t know anything about myself. i guess there’s only one thing i do know. you know, that one thing that sits in the back of your head, like background music? and you tune it out for so long, until one day you sit in silence for a few minutes and it gets louder and then eventually it overwhelms your ears and your mind and your heart with its notes: louder and louder and all encompassing and all surrounding… and so beautiful that you don’t know what to do, but you want to hold your hands to the sky and cry like a child.”

(all we can do is keep breathing.)

“she didn’t speak much, but it seemed to everyone that she carried the weight of all of her sorrows in her chest. beating against her heart with every rhythmic pulse. at first, everyone thought it was sad. the weight seemed like an awful lot to carry. everyone learned to stay away from her, because they were afraid that all of that weight would fall on them, too. so she carried it, day after day. and no one bothered to question why. it wasn’t until several weeks later that they began to notice that she was beginning to glow. around the same time, they noticed that the weight she carried was growing daily. but as the weight grew, so too did the light that seemed to pour from her being, heavenly and overwhelming. finally, when both the weight and the light seemed too much to bear, they found the courage to ask her. when they asked her what weight she carried, she smiled.
“the weight of the world,” she told them solemnly. “the sorrows and burdens of you… and you. of us all.”
“but, it isn’t possible. that weight is too much to bear.”
her eyes lit up and a laugh spilled from between her lips.
“but i don’t bear it. i couldn’t. no… i only try to touch it if i can.”
“but how?”
her face seemed to glow more than ever. “love.”
“love?”
“His love. the love that makes this possible. I could never carry so much pain without it. but this love, this light, is what makes all things bearable. bearing burdens is easy when love carries them for you. don’t you see? it isn’t me that carries anything. it’s Him.”
“but why?”
“it’s nothing that can be explained.. His love makes all love possible. He is love. and from Him grows all other love. that is how we find the strength to love others. that is how we learn to love ourselves. this burden and this weight you can see is simply my heart. it is broken, but only from an overflowing of love. He is uncontainable. His love knows no bounds, not even those of the human heart.”
“i don’t understand.”
“neither do i. I only know Love, and I am His. and He? He is ours. we cannot understand it, cannot rationalize it, cannot reason with it. we can only allow ourselves to feel it, embrace it, live within it. and when we do, it becomes the end, the goal. it becomes enough. enough to bear our burdens and those of everyone else. our hearts break, so that they can become new vessels for Love. so that they become His.”

(everything will be all right.)

“these days, the background music comes on full force, and i can’t do anything but sit and listen. i am broken and this world is hurt and the sky seems to scream out for an answer to this pain. but through this all, there’s one consistency, there’s one thing that i cannot escape. like the bed that i take for granted, like the food that nourishes me, like the sun that rises every day. it’s love. Love that I cannot deny, that consumes and radiates and envelopes all things. this life thing hurts sometimes… hurts alot. i ask alot of questions. and i don’t always find the answers. but that’s okay. maybe i wasn’t meant to. maybe God just wants me to be content with not knowing. be content in His love. maybe that’s why I push it to the background sometimes, why I take it for granted. because if I really thought about just how much He loves me, it would blow my mind. i think that’s why God reminds me again and again that I am an emotional being, that I was created to feel and laugh and cry and love. because that is who He is, too. and feelings… real feelings, are the only way I have to connect with Him. maybe, when God said I was made in His image, He meant it. I was made to connect with God, and without emotion that becomes impossible. so on days when all i can do is crawl, on days when i can feel His love crashing over me, on days when I remember I’m broken… He reminds me that’s okay. because that’s how He made me. that’s how much He loves me. God’s love isn’t supposed to be reasoned with. it isn’t rational. unconditional love defies logical rules. so only when I set aside my logical, rational, overthinking mind can I really experience Him. that’s where Love begins.”

(Your love is strong.)