today. [8/19/10]

“people aren’t lying when they say that life goes on. it runs, it skips, it stumbles and falls sometimes, but it always moves forward.”

“maybe that’s a blessing.”

“maybe it’s a curse. maybe all we need is more time.”

“time for what?”

“time for changing, time for laughing, time for loving. i don’t know. days like this my heart breaks over and over again for the whole world. when everything and everyone around me seems to cry out for hope, redemption, release. i cry on days like this because life is beautilful and life is painful, an unyielding, never ending paradox. and it goes on.”

“so you want more time?”

“i want less and i want more. i want less hate and more understanding. i want more dancing, more laughing just for the sake of laughter. i have this pain, this literal pain in my chest because i look around and all i can see is pain, written in the eyes of the children and the hearts of their mothers, spoken with the mouths of their fathers with every dying breath.”

i felt that, i felt it too. when I hung dying on a tree for you, I felt your pain. I, I took that pain. I covered it in grace, that all you stumbling, broken children may cease your brokenness. you say you’re all alone in this, but I am saying “me too.” I’ve been there.

i feel like life is a perpetual waiting game, like i’m standing at the doorway to a room, my hand on the lightswitch, and i’m unsure if i should pull it. because i don’t know — i don’t know what’s inside that room, i don’t know what i’m going to see if i face the light. i feel everything, a flicker of sadness that all at once turns into a flood of emotion. i feel overwhelmed by pain and love, all at the same time. i fall, i fall so many times but always, always there is grace and there is peace. even when i deny the existence of it. i feel like all i need to do is have the strength to not be strong enough.

i’m sorry… i’m sorry. i don’t know why you walk alone. i don’t know why the world turns against you and you find yourself a solitary soul. i don’t know why you face such trouble while others walk unencumbered. i don’t know, i don’t know. i could fill a book with all the things that i don’t know. but in the midst of this uncertainty, i realize that knowledge fails, and when this happens i’m overwhelmed with peace. you were made to laugh, you were made to love… to find someone who laughs with you and loves you and knows you. you were made for peace, for dancing and for joy. you were made by Him, through Him, for Him. you were made for more. more than empty nights and broken homes and loneliness that overwhelms. you were made for Light, you were made by Love. you were made to sing with joy even when all around you lies decay and death. i don’t know why your life is turning out like it is, but know that you were made to be His daughter. you were made to be a Princess. you were made for forgiveness, for redemption. you are covered in more Love than you will ever know or comprehend. and even if you can’t accept it yet, you were made to walk in light, to be clean, to live your life with eyes wide open and a heart untouched by brokenness.

life goes on and it is mine, and yet not mine. sunrise, sunset, evening and morning. days go on and i move through them with love in my heart, love in my eyes, love seeping through every bone in my body. everything He touches is grace, everything He touches is beauty. for some reason that i can’t understand, He works through everything, loves through everything. today… today is life. i don’t know what the future holds, but i do know that right now is covered in grace. and tomorrow, and the day after, and a thousand tomorrows after that. i do know that I am held, that He holds us all and rejoices over us all, weeps and cries over us all. i do know that He sings us to sleep and quiets our hearts, holds our hands on hard days, skips with us through days that our filled with Light. i do know that He longs to open up our hearts and take away the darkness from them. i do know that He is light, and everything He touches becomes light. i do know that He puts people in my life to show that to me, time and again. i do know that life is hard, but we always have a choice. to find beauty, to cry out. to be honest with ourselves and with God, to scream and cry and laugh about things that matter. i do know that we have the choice between honesty and deceit, and it is always best to choose to be real. on our own, we cannot possibly be enough. through my Jesus, though, we can be loved. 

two things You told me:

that You are strong,

and You love me.