February 2012
9 posts
1 tag
just leave me your stardust to remember me by.
i sent you my heart in a box, the postman promised to have you sign on the dotted line before entrusting it to you but maybe he forgot or maybe he just decided that it wasn’t worth the time but either way i’m here and you are there in this age of television blues and artificial coloring shot with needles into our artificial conversations i could tell you that i miss you but my words...
on valentines day:
“Be loved. Be known. Love people and know people. Be so brave as to raise a hand for help when you need it. Make friends and make sure they know they matter. Be loyal to them and fight for them. Remind them what’s true and invite them to do the same when you forget. If you do some losing or you walk with someone else in their defeat, live with dignity and grace. It is a middle finger to the...
a day of pale skies and a real kiss.
the words i want to say to you are words that i won’t ever say the syllables formed on my tongue choke and burn out before they ever reach the surface though my heart pumps them forth it is a wasted effort because my fear is my best guardian and i will always hide behind it building wall after wall and it hurts to hide behind this fortress my hands clasp each other so tightly afraid to...
i might have cried for days, but now that seems...
You didn’t have to pull me from this sinking ship, but your hands clenched my wrists and dragged me from the depths and for a moment i could breathe, caught between the turmoil above and below. tossed and turned by these waves that still crash on shore in the light of day, they pummel me with blow after blow. my eyes are crusted shut with sand and blood and tears and the pulsing of these...
then i'll head out to horizon lines, get some...
we stood upon the battlefield with our fingers not quite touching, “will you remember me forever?” I asked, but you told me then that you couldn’t make promises and i remembered, though i somehow made myself believe that this was different, the cracked edges of my dreams still look broken in the light. though i’m small, the twisted bridges that we built couldn’t...
it's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away.
the sun and moon remember us, though the halls within our hearts now house only ghosts. your voice still echoes in the hollows of my chest, the silence of things remembered is nothing now but an aching in my bones. i still think of how the syncopation of our breaths used to make the light break, sparking the sight of things brand new but today i am afraid to open these eyelids to a world that...
i'd hit the pavement again but all my knuckles are...
if i close my eyes will you spin me around like a child? moment by moment we grow into something i can’t begin to explain, far beyond the reaches of this setting sun we build our kingdoms and we dwell here in between dreams and reality. your shaking fingertips betray all you’ve ever wanted me to know and i begin to believe in tomorrows when i hear your voice, trembling with all the...
i knew.
We were never whole, just separate halves diametrically opposed to all we thought we’d be. Your heart beat beneath your rib cage was a rhythm I couldn’t match, in the pools behind your eyes were depths I couldn’t fathom. The sun through our windows turned us into gold but like midas you turned to other things and I turned into stone, a cracked edifice composed of all...
the one that belonged to you.
it’s one of those nights where
even the sound of silence is enough
to crack my eardrums
the resounding crackle of your goodbye
still echoes in these halls and some days i find myself wondering
just where i am or maybe who i am
so i slap another nametag on this old sweater
the one i still wear
the one that belonged to you
and i curl my arms closer around my chest
in this the most...
September 2011
1 post
I’m short on words today Your porcelain heart cracked Spilling crimson blood on these white pages and my hands are covered in guilt but my eyes are opened wide for what feels the first time Sunlight floods in through these cracks- my ribcage torn open, heart exposed as I set pen to paper recording all the multitudes of syllables I want to shout but can’t. The dam of apathy breaks,...
August 2011
2 posts
2 tags
there’s a rhythmic beating in my heart it speaks your name in the pulse of my veins and i remember again and again your laugh, your smile, and you. i lie awake late at night with my heart wide open my soul is a battlefield and you’re the only white flag i’ve ever known but last i checked, you’re far far away so i’m left to dig another grave on this territory an epitaph that reads shorter than it...
“There are things in this life worth screaming about, worth crying about, worth...”
– Jamie Tworkowski
June 2011
1 post
you ripped me apart today but i stitched myself together with a strand of thread torn from an old jacket that you loaned me on that day not the day you told me you loved me with the Hollywood sun shining down on our heads; it was the other day the day the wind threatened to chill us all, the day i thought that the weather was the temper of the world and the ocean was an army just waiting to...
April 2011
3 posts
sleep.
i’d like to fall asleep tonight
i’d like to empty my soul and fall into
nothingness.
but my eyes close at night upon a soul that tosses and turns
my brain firing blanks at the backs of my eyelids
machine-gun like precision and
over and over again i see the faces
breaking my heart like porcelain
over and over again and it’s
futile to rebuild
futile to believe that promises...
old.
what cruel wind
gave speed to your words
gave motion to the syllables
that spill from your lips?
they land on my ears
and enter in.
refusing to fly back out
festering in my mind.
eating a hollow hole within me.
oh tell me darling
were they your words or mine?
your voice spoke them
but my mind repeats them
encirling myself in a neverending cycle of
worthlessness.
and it’s sick.
pathetic...
went to my first beat poetry competition.
pretty legitimate… got 2nd place and learned a lot. i’ve pretty much sucked at writing lately. life is honestly just ridiculously busy. but i’m thinking of shutting down my other tumblr and just moving exclusively to this one which will hopefully inspire me to write a little more.
February 2011
2 posts
blurofcolorandmusic-deactivated asked: you need to write more Maresa!
goodbyes.
As a child, I loved airports. There was something about them — the energy, the planes in motion, the crowds of people — that inspired my young mind. Airports were synonymous with hellos. But, that was then and this is now. Now I sit on a plane alone. It’s dark out and the hum of the engine reminds me that I’m moving farther and farther away from everything I want to stay with. There’s only so...
December 2010
1 post
i guess it’s all right. but it’s not, it’s not. i go to sleep and dream of you - your hands and your smile and us meeting after weeks apart. it’s hard to be the one on the outside, the one who waits. but i know you’re waiting too. i’ll taste the sky and feel alive again. maybe that’s it.. this life thing: these sights, these sounds, these moments; they’re not the same without you. and i don’t mean...
It’s been too long since I’ve written. I find that too often I neglect writing because it requires me to think - to analyze the thoughts that I try to set aside. I’m good at coping with things, which can be good but also means I don’t process things like I should. It’s a blessing and a curse.
I’ve been stuck in a funk lately. For months now I’ve felt...
October 2010
3 posts
it’s cardigan weather, hot tea weather, cuddling weather. it’s the type of weather that leaps into my mind whenever i think of missing you. it’s you, it’s you.
the sun has slipped behind the mountains and there isn’t any wind, just the silence. silence and emptiness. and it hurts.. i hurt. it hurts with a phantom pain to know that you’re 1,000 miles away and i...
stars.
“please, sleep, my darling, sleep. your cry for inspiration never reaches ears on distant stars.”
last night was one of the best nights of my life.
last night i spent two and a half hours on a rooftop with two fantastic people in the middle of nowhere, Texas. it’s easy to get lost somewhere in between the sound of crickets and the slightly cool midnight air. it’s easy to...
redemption.
it’s been too long since i’ve written. there have been so many thoughts bouncing around in my head lately… a lot of new thoughts and a lot of old thoughts too… thoughts i get sick of, but they never leave me.
i’m going to be disgustingly honest for a few minutes here, which is scary but i guess in a way it’s good, too.
i’ve been struggling a lot lately...
September 2010
2 posts
i hate nights like tonight. i’m in my room, listening to christina perri and trying my hardest to drown out every thought in the sounds of piano chords and a cover of death cab’s “i will follow you into the dark.” and it doesn’t work, it never works. i realized today that i am exhausted… exhausted with trying and failing over and over again to make something of...
unconditional.
it’s Sunday. a hot, sunny Sunday with just enough wind to remind me that this is Colorado and the weather will probably change any second. i got home from work about five minutes ago, thinking the whole way home. work was good - skinny vanilla lattes, Miss Deb’s genuine concern, Liz’s cheerful smile and the usual Starbucks quirkiness going on all around me. i’m tired and...
August 2010
3 posts
redeemed. [6/3/10]
I feel so much… redemption. I believe in hope and change… that it is possible to walk away from a life of destruction and into a life of hope. I believe it because I have felt it, I have known it, I have embraced it. I acknowledge the fact that the person I was wasn’t good. I was a mess. But I’m not afraid to admit that. It simply makes me so much more grateful for the...
so much more. [7/5/10]
“i don’t know how to do this anymore. i don’t know how to put words on paper, how to frame consonants and vowels together into sentences that make any sense at all. i don’t know how to explain everything, or anything really. i don’t know anything about anything. i especially don’t know anything about myself. i guess there’s only one thing i do know....
today. [8/19/10]
“people aren’t lying when they say that life goes on. it runs, it skips, it stumbles and falls sometimes, but it always moves forward.”
“maybe that’s a blessing.”
“maybe it’s a curse. maybe all we need is more time.”
“time for what?”
“time for changing, time for laughing, time for loving. i don’t know. days like...
May 2010
5 posts
they don’t tell you that it’ll be this hard.
that i will be stuck missing you every single minute.
that day… those days… were perfect days. days where i lived and laughed and knew happiness, thrived on happiness, was immersed in happiness. each subtle moment that blended into the passage of time still takes my breath away.
they don’t warn you of how bittersweet...
sketches.
some of you are rejoicing. some mourn. some are cherishing their victories, while others mourn their defeats. i have no words to say to you about the things that you have accomplished. i feel pride of course. sympathy. sorrow. but with these words, i need only to tell you, each of you, how inredibly grateful i am for every moment that our paths have crossed. to say you have shaped my life would be...
scared.
the sun is setting, it’s falling down, and i sit in my car. i smoke a half-used cigarette and stare at the ceiling, not the sky, for inspiration. i’m counting my good thoughts on just one hand, and i realize that i’m worn, a dusty old jacket with two many patches. and he’s talking to me, and i hold out my good intentions, a pocketful of cliches marked with bad memories. the...
give.
i’m tired, very tired. so i’m writing in the sands,
about how lately things keep slipping through my hands, my hands.
like little broken tree limbs, washed up on the shore.
and i’m a little child, wishing wanting, dreaming of more.
lately i’ve been tired, i’ve been dreaming of some peace.
a place where i can rest, find some dreams, find some ease.
but lately...
this.
this is where i start over.
this is where i fight to feel.
this is the day that i awaken.
open my eyes and crawl.
this is where i claim myself
as something more than me.
something more than flesh and
blood, more than scars and tears.
more than cold steel and more than
brokenness.
this is where i learn to love.
where i discover again the dream of hope.
this is where i acknowledge pain
...
April 2010
32 posts
oceans. [4.29.08]
I went to the ocean today. It is one of my favorite things. There’s something about the ocean that makes me think, that makes me wonder. Thoughts come easy in the roar of the tide and the sweeping waves. There’s a line that Jamie Tworkowski quotes in his blog: “I’m starting to believe that the ocean is much like You, because it gives and it takes away.” I have been...
11.9.2008
God is amazing. I seriously can’t express the depth of gratitude I’m feeling toward Him right now. He has rescued me from so much and brought me into His light, and it’s the greatest feeling, the greatest reality I could ever experience. In the midst of so much frustration and stress, insanity and craziness, God has given me this incredible, amazing peace in His plan and His...
sestina.
I am sitting here, awake, alive, not dead
Watching the morning sun, rising, spill Its waves of shining glory, golden, through The air. Time is running on, heedless Of the wishes of its people, gathered here Below, waiting with open hearts.
A thousand thoughts are spilling through my heart As the sunlight casts across my dreams, now dead And the many feelings gathered here, From my overburdened...
three. [3.29.10]
[summer 2009] you are not alone. we hear this too often and it becomes cliched. a background noise to the chaos in our heads. but it is true. it is easy to believe that we are alone, to carry our pain like a cancer inside of us. it is easy to box up our feelings, to carve them out upon ourselves. life is hard. love is never easy. it is a challenge. some days, it is hard to wake up in the morning....
You. [3.13.10]
He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, [I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.] “I know the man I am is not who I should be The devil takes my hand says, “Child come with me.” My body shivers and aches, I can’t break free Why do the things I hate come so naturally? (I need you now, I need you more than ever before.)” (i’m...
part one, part two. [11.23.09]
(pt. 1) today is life. life is what i taste like the froth in my glass of milk, drained to the dregs yet always filling. life is what i feel like the warmth of one thousand suns, alive and shining life is what i dream like a patient hoping, wishing for a cure. life is what i hear like a concert, harmony in the sound of ascending chords and life, life is what i touch in the softness of your...
hope. [10.25.08]
Anticipation. It burns through the crowd like fire, igniting in screams of excitement and gasps of awe. The lights flicker on and off, adding to the overpowering mood. The stage is empty, deserted except for the solitary microphones and the lone drum set. Suddenly, the lights wink out, extinguishing the sounds of the crowd with overwhelming darkness. In the sudden black, it is hard to see...
music. [2.19.09]
Notes. Sounds. Softly stirring. Awakening our hope. We stop, stand and listen. The song is sad and soaring and beautiful. The notes are pouring off the keys and into the still, quiet air. First they are soft and quiet, but now they are changing into a roaring, pounding crescendo of sound and mighty fury. The passages of music flow interchangeably from one mood to the next, encompassing our...
i am. [9.9.09]
so, the morning isn’t quite what you said it was. and i’m not quite what you think i am. a tangled mess that doesn’t know what it does and i swear this wasn’t meant to be a scam but don’t you know, i’m not quite sure exactly what i look like anymore. “it’s not that i enjoy being lost,” she said. “i just don’t know how to...
then. [3.11.10]
“i took a trip down the streets downtown the other day, going no where in particular because i needed to be no where. i wasn’t thinking, for i had nothing in particular to think about, and lately all the thoughts i had seemed jumbled up, like lint in the farthest pockets of my brain. i wanted nothing and needed no one and desired little, and that was enough for me. there were a million...
grow up. [1.19.10]
“You know, when you watch a movie, you have your main characters - the important ones, the people that audiences cheer and weep and laugh for. And you have your supporting cast - and though they may not be quite as important, the audience still cheers for them, because deep down you know that the main character could never really have made it without those people. And then you have the random...
in the light. [8.31.09]
city lights ignite some fire at night, and i feel alive. the clock reads 10:44 and i realize that it’s only an hour and sixteen minutes away. that we’ll have made it. and there are lots of things to say, but none of them really sum it up. and all i can feel is grace, and love, and hope, and i swear its almost tangible. one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. and...
you. [8.2.09]
i watched you today, as i watch you every day, and i know you’re wearing thin. but you gloss another layer of lies over your life and pursue the impossible until your feet bleed and your head aches. and i ache, too. i ache for you. oh i know you too well, with your stone heart and your lead eyes that only fire glares of desperation. and i know your despairs and i know that when you laugh it...
me. [6.29.09]
(i know i question things too quickly, but i’ve never questioned if i’ve loved.) “i know what it’s like. God, I really do. I mean, I’m watching you, and you’re just like me. Every bit. And I know that you don’t want to hear that right now, you want to feel like you’re alone, you want to have that. But I won’t give that to you. I won’t....
reassemble. [6.8.09]
it hurts. begin. break it down like china dishes, scattered on the floor. break it down just like a child, always wishing, wanting more. now all the broken pieces are there, the shards scattered around the door. break it down until you realize that broken art is you. continue. reassemble. box the thoughts, stack them in the closet of your mind, buried under good intentions, lost between the...
this is my storyline. [5.29.09]
(wait, wait, wait.) (hold on. hold together) (fall. fall apart.) (break. break down.) (it’s all right. it’s okay, dear.) just. let. go.
wear my sorrows like shoes upon my feet, they...
i do believe. need. desire. to think. to know. that someday i will become. the scattered shards whole? i want to believe it. — don’t forget your sorrows when you leave the house today. — i won’t forget. they are the very clothes i wear, the very face i share. they are sewn into my chest. can i become? or is all m o n o t o n y a sick m o n o l o g u e repeated...